Absurdly Lit
a collection of short fictions and such like
Saturday, May 6, 2023
Circling the Void
Monday, August 2, 2021
The Vineyard
The soft warm breeze felt nice. The full moon made the vineyard an interweaving patchwork of light and shadow.
She leaned back on the bench and stared up at the stars.
Late July evenings are the most incredible...
Her mind wandered.
"You should be happy to know that have I made the big decision," Lou told her. She could remember his words as though the conversation had just happened five minutes earlier.
"The big decision?" she asked.
"Yes. You know." He glared at her in mock exasperation, smiling at the same time. "About what should be done with me. My remains."
"Oh, right. Of course."
After a rather tense and awkward pause, he asked, "Don't you want to know?"
"Not really," she answered. "I mean, not right now. Not now."
"You're going to have to know eventually, and soon. You agreed to be in charge of everything." Though he was maintaining a cheerful veneer, she yet detected a slight tone of peevishness in his voice.
"I know. Just not right now, okay? Later, maybe."
That was a Wednesday afternoon in early September. That day particularly stood out in her mind because a terrible storm struck suddenly as she left the hospice and headed home. She remembered it as so gothic and surreal. The sun was bright and the sky was a wash of clear blue when she left, with not a cloud in sight. But gray clouds suddenly converged and a terrible wind began just a few minutes after she began her commute. The television news later reported that evening that the winds had accelerated up to 80-100 miles per hour at the storm's peak.
The rain eventually became so heavy that looking through the windshield was like looking through a liquid kaleidoscope; she could barely make out what was five feet in front of her car. She slowly pulled it over and gently steered it into an open space she luckily spotted on the side of the street to wait for the rain and wind to subside.
She could make out a man and a woman walking by her on the sidewalk just after she parked her car, stooped over and struggling against the fierce wind. It took her a moment to realize that they were an older couple, perhaps in their sixties or seventies. They had no umbrella. The old man had removed his jacket and did the best he could to shield his wife from the sheets of rain bearing down on them. April was just about to roll down her window and shout at them that they could take refuge in her car, but they were suddenly embracing one another. Amidst the torrential downpour, the elderly couple started kissing. Then they dodged through the front door of a café.
Gazing across the vineyard, amid the chirping crickets and cicadas, she asked herself if she really saw them kiss. Perhaps her memory was playing tricks on her. Romanticizing the moment.
One morning, April had stopped by to see Lou at the hospice before she went into work. She had grabbed a couple of donuts and coffee at a little shop that they used to love to go to some years before. A nurse had just finished checking his vital signs when Lou granted her admittance in reply to her knock on the door of his room.
"Carla here was just making sure I'm still alive," he said. "Thanks, Carla." April could hear a thick strain of bitterness in his voice. The nurse brushed by April and hurried out through the door. The expression on her face was that of deep frustration.
"Bitch," muttered Lou after the nurse left his room. April shot him a stern and quizzical look. "They have no bedside manner here. This is a place where people come to die and they have all the bedside manner of Joseph Mengele."
There was a long and awkward silence before he finally said, "Well, come on in. Sit down. You brought coffee and donuts--pour moi?"
"I stopped at Café Amour. Haven't been there in ages." She handed him a coffee. He sipped.
"Ah, just the way I like it," he said. "Black. And bitter. Like my soul." He attempted a smile. "So what brings you to the dyin' place at this fine hour of the morning?"
"I was just on my way to work, and I just wanted to stop in and see--"
"You know, you really don't have to do all this, April," he blurted out.
"What are you talking about?"
"This--stopping by every day. Visiting with me. Bringing me coffee and donuts. I mean, come on."
She hated it when he got like this. She made an attempt at deflection. "So I got a chocolate-frosted and an eclaire. Which would you like? You get first choice."
"I'm not hungry. The coffee should be enough for me at the moment." He gave her an icy glance before he looked away, sipping his coffee.
She understood why he so often degenerated into these surly moods. She knew she wouldn't exactly be a barrel of rainbows if she was dying from a particularly aggressive form of cancer that seemed to strike out of nowhere.
"You should really eat something."
"You should really stop using me to work out whatever emotional shit you're trying to work out here."
She was stunned, but not surprised. Those kinds of statements came with the mood. "I don't know what you're alluding to, exactly," she said to him.
"Oh, for Christ's sake, April." He fixed his gaze right on her eyes. "You feel bad because you turned me down when I asked you to marry me, and then, boom, a few months later I find out I have cancer."
"Um, look--"
"No, just let me finish. It's OK, April. You don't have to feel bad about it. It is a scientifically proven fact that rejecting a proposal of marriage does not cause cancer for the person who proposed, m'kay? They have found absolutely no linkage whatsoever, according to the literature. Nobody's obligated to accept anyone's marriage proposal. I mean...I appreciate the visits, but all this...coming almost every day...on your way to work, on your way home from work...bringing coffee and donuts...It's not necessary. You're already doing enough by agreeing to tie up my affairs once I shed the ol' meatsuit here and shuffle off this mortal coil."
She just looked at him for a long moment. She reflected on their relationship--stretching all the way back to their college days--in a matter of a few seconds.
"Oh, for fuck's sake! I'll just come right out and say it--fucking leave, OK? I want to be alone right now. Go. Get out of here!" She looked around, confused, unsure of what to say or do. "I said, go, goddammit!"
She turned around and left his room, just in time, so he couldn't see the tears falling from the corners of her eyes.
She thought back to the first time they had come to this place. Lou had found it online by pure chance. They were looking for a getaway for a very long weekend, and neither of them had ever ventured up to the far northwest corner of Illinois before. A Chicago businessman owned the cottage, kept his own little vineyard there just beyond the back yard. He bottled his own wine, which he sold to only a few shops in the area. He was a wine lover and it was simply a hobby for him. A labor of wine love.
The cottage overlooked vast swaths of farmland. Lush, rolling green hills for as far as the eye could see. The pictures of the area Lou and April had found on the web barely prepared them for how truly breathtaking the scenery was. They almost felt as though they had traveled all the way to Ireland by simply driving a few hours out of the city.
The little towns in the area all seemed frozen in time, like Norman Rockwell and Thomas Kinkade paintings come to life. They had quaint little shops on their main streets, and art galleries that ran the gamut from the classical to the postmodern. Lou and April made it their top getaway destination from that point on.
Lou had proposed to her there. That was their last trip together.
It was getting late. She had no idea what time it was. She shifted on the little bench that was situated before the vineyard, watching the morphing shadows and moonlight as the vines danced a little in the warm humid breeze. She brought her knees up to her chin, closed her eyes, and she let the breeze wash over her face. It felt so comforting, as though it were gently caressing her. When she opened her eyes again she saw him standing right in front of her. Lou. Alive. In the flesh. At least it seemed so to her. The moonlight revealed all the features and contours of his face she had known so well.
"Thank you for taking care of everything for me," he said. "You did just as I asked of you. You cremated my remains and scattered them in the garden of the house where I grew up."
"You're welcome. Your sister wasn't crazy about the idea but I convinced her that your parents would have been very moved."
"Well, Joy's a bitch. That's all there is to it."
"Be nice. She agreed once I talked to her."
"That's why I needed you to take care of things. Joy would have totally shit on the whole idea."
They regarded one another quietly in the moonlight for a long moment.
"I miss you," she said, finally. He had no answer.
"I love you," she said a moment later. "I always have."
He smiled at her. Then he turned around and walked into the vineyard. He disappeared into the shadows and moonlight.
Tuesday, August 18, 2020
Correspondence
Hey, Jerry. Just wanted to let you know that I may be a little late picking you up at the train station on Friday. I have an afternoon meeting with a client and I have a feeling that it may end up running a little late. (This guy is quite the talker.)
Saturday, May 30, 2020
Lovely Day for a Chat
The guy was now happily walking toward her with a bounce in his step, almost dancing, whistling while doing so. There was something about him that made her uneasy.
He seemed a little too...cheerful.
She continued on her journey, focusing only on pushing the stroller. She could see her little boy's right leg dangling out of it, and his little head bouncing slightly as she peered through the mesh of the canopy.
It was a perfect day. The sun was out. The temperature was in the low-to-mid-70-degree range. She had rarely felt this relaxed and contented. That is, until she saw Mr. Fedora Khaki Shorts bouncing her way.
They eventually came face-to-face. Instead of walking past her, he had opted to stop directly in front of her, blocking her way.
"Good afternoon," he said.
"Good afternoon," she curtly replied.
"Perfectly lovely day, isn't it?"
"Yes it is." She paused for a moment, hoping that he'd just go on his way. But he just stood there in front of her, smiling at her. "May I help you with something?"
The man knelt before the stroller.
"Well hello!" the man exclaimed. "How old are you, young man?"
"I'm almost seven," answered the boy.
"Seven? You're a little old for mommy to be pushing you around in a stroller, aren't you?"
"Excuse me?" asked the boy's mother.
"Mommy won't let me walk when we--"
"Be quiet, Alex!" she snapped at the boy. "Do you mind? We have a play date to go to." She quickly pulled out her phone and checked it. "And we're already three minutes late, so--"
"I'm sorry, I just wanted to tell Alex something."
"Do you mind? Please get--"
"Always remember this, Alex: 'Memento mori'."
The boy giggled. "What does THAT mean? Sounds silly!"
"It's Latin. Do you know what Latin is?"
"No," replied the boy.
"Latin is a language that nobody uses anymore. It's what you call a dead language. 'Memento mori' is Latin for"--he paused for just a moment--"'remember that you must die'."
"What the hell---?!" shouted the boy's mother. She angrily jolted the stroller to the side of Fedora and moved past him, jostling the boy around like a sailor trapped on a ship in a storm. She then stopped and looked back at Fedora as he got off his haunches. She coolly locked her eyes with his.
"I could call the cops, you know. Saying such things to a child!"
He simply smiled back at her and began whistling again. He happily went on his way with that cheerful, dance-like walk of his.
Such people, she thought. So goddam irritating.
Monday, July 9, 2018
The Hunter (with apologies to Anton Chekhov)
A tall, thin man of about forty to fifty years of age in a plaid red shirt, army green camouflage pants, and knee-high boots nonchalantly saunters into the clearing and down the trail. To one side, there are the green trees of the forest, and to the other side, stretching all the way to the horizon, is a golden ocean of ripe wheat. He is sunburnt and sweaty. A blue baseball cap sits on his blondish-gray head as if it were a crown. A large leather bag hangs over his shoulder, a dead goose residing within it. The hunter carries a double-barreled shotgun. He squints his eyes at his old, thin dog as it sniffs the ground and bushes. It is so quiet...every living thing is taking refuge in the shade, away from the heat of the midday sun.
The hunter suddenly hears a woman's soft voice calling his name.
Startled and perturbed, he turns around. In front of him, as if having suddenly materialized from the air around him, is a pale, red-haired woman, about thirtyish. She holds a scythe with a long, polished wooden handle that glistens in the sun. She smiles, almost bashfully.
"Well hello, Penelope," replies the hunter, slowly putting down his rifle. "What are you doing here?"
"The women from town are working out here, so I'm here with them. I'm the hired help now."
"Hmph," the hunter quietly grunts. He turns away from her and slowly continues on down the trail. Penelope follows him. They wander on for a few minutes or so.
"I haven't seen you for such a long time," she finally says, breaking their mutual silence as she gazes tenderly at his back, admiring the slow, graceful movements of his shoulders. "You stopped by the cottage for some water on Easter Sunday, and we haven't seen you since. Of course you were drunk. God only knows how you even managed to walk. You cursed me, smacked me, and left. I've been waiting for you to come back ever since. I've been looking and looking and looking out for you, but I suppose you couldn't be bothered to come back just once."
"What would I do with myself at your place?"
"There's nothing for you to do there, obviously, just, anyway...there's the household...things that need...that need...looking after. You're the man of the house, after all. Why, just look at you, you've shot a goose! Here, why don't you sit down and take a rest?" Penelope laughs like a smitten schoolgirl as she looks up at the hunter's face, with her own face radiating pure joy.
"Sit down? Sure, why not?" asks the hunter indifferently. He sits down on a stump between two saplings. The old dog slowly lays down beside him and lowers his chin to the ground, his sad-looking eyes fixed on Penelope. "Why are you standing?" the hunter asks Penelope. "You should sit, too."
Penelope sits some distance away in a patch of grass. She is almost ashamed of her happiness in this moment, covering her smile with her hand.
"If only you'd come once, just once, just one little time," Penelope says wistfully.
"What would be the point?" The hunter heaves a sigh and wipes the sweat from his forehead with his shirt sleeve. "There's no reason to screw around with you for a couple of hours, get you all hot and bothered. And a little piece of my soul dies with every passing hour I spend in that godforsaken town, you know that. I'm spoiled rotten. I like a nice firm mattress to sleep on, a cup of freshly brewed, piping hot coffee, and nice, quiet conversation. I want to have all the good things of life, and that town is drowning in poverty and filth and meth-heads. There's no way I could live there another day. If they passed a law that said I had to live with you, I'd blow up the whole town or kill myself. It's just the way I am, can't help it."
"Where do you live now?" Penelope asks.
"At the Ivins place. They let me live in their coachhouse, I furnish fresh game for their dinner table. Mr. and Mrs. Ivins are big on keeping their food as local as possible."
"That doesn't seem very dignified, Mr. Good-Things-of-Life. Trudging around the woods, killing animals for another man's table. That's what most men do for fun, but here you are doing it for your living."
"You don't understand," says the hunter, gazing thoughtfully at the sky above them for a moment. Then he looks at her, right into her eyes. "You couldn't ever possibly understand who I am, what kind of a man I am. To you, I'm a crazy, lost soul, but everyone else knows that I'm the best damn shot in at least three or four counties. Even the rich fancy people like the Ivinses know that. There's even been a story published about me in a sportsmen's magazine. Nobody can ever even hope to match me toe-to-toe when it comes to hunting. And if I don't want to have anything to do with your towny ways, it isn't because I think I'm better than everyone else. It's just that I've never known anything else but guns and dogs since the day I was born. Take the gun out of my hands, and I suppose I'll just grab a fishing pole and do nothing but fish for the rest of my life. Take away the fishing pole, and I'll just start hunting with my bare hands. Of course, I traded horses for awhile. I went around to all the county fairs whenever I had some spare change in my pocket. You've seen it yourself, when any of these farm boys fall in with horse traders or hunters, it's good riddance to the tractor and combine. Once a restless man's soul gets the taste of freedom, there's no way he can ever forget it. It's like when a rich kid goes off to the city to become an actor, or some other kind of artist, he doesn't want to try his hand at anything else. He doesn't want to try and run some company, or become some kind of muckity-muck in politics--"
He notices a small, lonely tear trailing down Penelope's cheek.
"You just don't understand."
"I understand," she quietly answers.
"Then why are you crying?"
"I'm not crying," says Penelope as she turns away so that the hunter can't see her tears. "I'm not. It's just...it's just that...you could spend at least one day with me, one little, frickin' day. It's been twelve years since we got married, and...and...I don't think there's been a single day of love between the two of us, not one."
"Love," mumbles the hunter as he lifts the cap off his head and scratches his scalp. "That's impossible. We're husband and wife in name, but that's about it. You think I'm some rootless, aimless wild man, and I find you a simple woman who doesn't understand anything. We're a fine couple, aren't we? I'm Mr. Footloose-and-Fancy-Free and you're...you're a, uh...you're a...farm laboring...peasant woman of some kind. I fancy myself a master of the hunt, and you feel nothing for me but pity."
"We got married...in a church. Before God and man and everybody!" sobs Penelope.
"Not so fast, Penelope. You've left out a few details, haven't you? Go give Judge Platt a big hug and a kiss and thank him for this situation. He'd always been jealous that I was a lot better shot than he could ever hope to be, and so he took me out and got me drunk. And one thing led to another, and it turned into a thirty-day bender, of course, as can sometimes happen. A man lost in the bottle can be talked into all sorts of things. He can be talked into converting to a religion he's never heard of before, or getting married, even. And so out of the sheer spite of his envy, he married me, the best shot in five counties, to you, a...a, uh...a, um, cow girl, or...whatever it is that you are. You could plainly see that I was falling down drunk, so why the hell did you go through with marrying me? You're not a slave, you could've said no! Of course, a farm girl is awful lucky to snag a great hunter for a husband, but you should've thought a little bit more about what you were getting yourself into. Well, anyway...go ahead and suffer and cry. It's all just a big joke to the judge, but go on and sob your face off. Go beat yourself in the head with a hammer if it makes you feel any better."
A moment of stone silence passes, as if a quiet angel is flying by.
The hunter and his dog suddenly notice three or four ducks flying overhead. The hunter's eyes follow them as they trail off into the distance, slowly shrinking into a cluster of little specks over the horizon.
"How are you making ends meet these days?" asks the hunter as he turns back to Penelope.
"Between the field work and a little babysitting here and there, I manage to get by," she answers.
"Well...good," replies the hunter.
Another quiet angel passes. The faint sounds of women singing from off in the distance can be heard now, even in this oppressive heat.
"They say you built a new cottage for Alicia," says Penelope. The hunter is quiet. "I guess that would mean--"
"I suppose that's just the way it goes for you, eh? You've got yourself a new cross to bear now. Anyway, I think we've said all that we can say to each other. Time for me to get back on the trail." The hunter stands, stretches a little, and slings his rifle over his shoulder. "Always got to remember to stay on the trail. Just have to remind myself from time to time."
"When are you coming back to town?" she asks quietly.
"Doesn't matter. I'd never walk into that town sober, and it's no good for you when I'm drunk. I'm an awful drunk. I get so angry."
"Good-bye."
The hunter slaps his ball cap back onto his head and whistles to his dog, who lazily rises on all fours. They go on their way. Penelope stays right where she is and gazes at his back as he walks on down the trail. She admires the movement of his shoulder blades as he lazily saunters off. She feels the sadness fill her eyes and tenderly caresses her arms as her eyes stroke the long, lanky figure of her husband. For a moment it seems as though he feels her gaze on his back; he stops and looks back at her. He says nothing, but judging from the look on his face, it seems to Penelope as though he wants to say something. She meekly walks up to him, her eyes begging for him to finally say whatever it is he has to say.
"This is for you," he says, handing her a wad of bills, which she takes into her hand almost robotically. He quickly turns away and resumes his walk down the trail, the dog at his heel.
"Good-bye, husband!" she calls out.
He and his dog continue to walk down the long and winding path. She remains standing where she is, perfectly motionless like a marble statue, and closely studies his every step. Soon, the redness of his shirt seems to merge seamlessly with his camo pants, and then not long after that he can barely be seen, the old dog virtually indistinguishable from his boots. Only the blue of his cap can be seen now. Then he suddenly makes a sharp turn in a distant clearing and fades from her view.
"Good-bye," she whispers. She hoists herself up on her tiptoes in a last ditch effort to at least see the blueness of his cap one last time.
_________________________________________________________________________________
Richard Pevear's and Larissa Volokhonsky's translation of Anton Chekhov's short story "The Huntsman," originally published in 1885, served as the guide and template for this newly updated version that I offer here. Their translation appears in Selected Stories of Anton Chekhov, copyright 2000 by Pevear and Volokhonsky.
Monday, June 4, 2018
On the Occasion of His 123rd Birthday
His hand trembled a little, as it usually did, as he raised the cup to his lips.
"Here, let me get you a straw."
"No, it's OK. I'll be fine."
"I'll get you one anyway, just in--"
"No, thank you," he replied, rather firmly. "I'm fine."
"One hundred and twenty-three years," he muttered to himself.
"That's right, Gobby!" exclaimed Lucy. "Gobby" was what she called him ever since she was barely a toddler. She sputtered out the word the first time she tried to call him "great-grandpa." The family found it charming and affectionately adopted it as his nickname. Walt was already closing in on a hundred years of age at that point and found the new moniker a little annoying. He was fond of his great-granddaughter--she had grown into a smart, charming young woman, though she had a habit of asserting opinions on things that she appeared to know very little about--but he still winced inside every time she called him that.
"And now that you're one hundred and twenty-three years old, do you know what that means?"
"I don't know, what?" asked Walt.
"It means that, as of today, you are the oldest person in the entire world who has ever lived, Gobby!"
"Oh, right. Of course." It suddenly returned to Walt's mind that Lucy had arranged for a reporter or journalist of some kind to come talk to him, a lady reporter about Lucy's age. She would probably have a photographer with her to snap some photos of the world's oldest human being.
"That record had previously been held by a lady in France. She lived for one hundred and twenty-two years, Gobby! Well, one hundred and twenty-two years and one hundred and sixty-four days, to be exact, so technically you already broke her record several months ago, but I just think it's better to celebrate your new world's record on the day of your birthday, it just feels more fitting. Anyway, she died a long time ago, way back in the 1990s--which means that she was born all the way back in the 1870s, Gobby! I mean, ohmygosh! That also means she was, like, a young woman of about twenty years old at the time you were born! Just a little younger than I am now! And we're part French!"
She smiled at him as though she had just shared the greatest discovery with him. "You know what else, Gobby? I just found out online that not only are you the confirmed oldest human being who has ever lived, but of the entire list of the world's twenty oldest living people, you are the only man! All the rest are women! Isn't that something?"
He just looked at her for a moment. He took in her face through the thick lenses of his spectacles, studied it. A quick slideshow of hundreds of photographs played in his mind. It stopped on the image of his mother, which he then superimposed onto Lucy's face. It fit almost perfectly. She had always reminded Walt of his younger sister, Catherine, who was the spitting image of his mother. Catherine had died young, killed by the Spanish flu that swept across the globe and killed hundreds of millions in 1918. It was the first great heartbreak of his life. But at this very moment, Lucy looked much more like his mother than his sister. It dawned on him that it was the shape of the eyes, and just the way her smile curved across her face. He decided that those details were much closer to his mother's face than Catherine's, reversing a previous assessment he had made some years before. Perhaps he would change his mind again.
"What the hell are you doing?" asked Walt.
He saw the smile on Lucy's face slowly fade away. There was a long, uncomfortable silence.
"I, um...I just...," she finally began to mutter.
"What are you doing with your life, Lucy?"
She just stared back at him, dumbstruck.
"I don't give a single goddam how many years I've lived, why should anyone else? What the hell does it matter how many years I've been alive? How many years a person's lived matters about as much as a pile of cow dung. Never mind about me, what are you doing with yourself these days? I know you've gone back to school so many times I've lost count. You graduated with one degree, and you've been going back over and over ever since. I guess that's why they call it 'graduate school.' It's a school for people who graduate college once but then they never want to leave it. Maybe it's high time you stay the hell out of school and get out in the world more. I've lived one hundred and twenty-three years now, and there's a hell of a lot I never tried my hand at, and now I never can because even if I lived another hundred and twenty-three years this body is just too damn old and shopworn to give those things a try."
His bespectacled eyes focused intently on hers as he leaned into her face. "Lucy, I'm going to tell you right now, the only thing that could be worse for you than dying in the next five minutes is to live to be my age--to live for more than a hundred and twenty years--and have it dawn on you after all that time that you ain't done jack shit with yourself, not really."
He saw the gears behind her eyes begin to grind, and her face began to change, almost transform, after he uttered those last words. Then her eyes darted from his. Her posture changed. Her mouth parted as if to admit some new spirit or soul to take up residence in her body. She rose slowly from the kitchen table and walked over to the window. She gazed outside, quietly meditating.
The doorbell rang. She looked back at Walt.
"Oh, oh...that's them! The reporters!" She quickly darted out of the kitchen. Walt then heard her answer the door, her voice chipper and excited, followed by a muffle of strange voices.
Walt took another sip of his tea and braced himself.
Monday, February 5, 2018
This Mortal Coil
Lloyd stared at his boss' e-mail for a good five minutes. He racked his brain for any semblance of a recollection of something that may have pissed him off. But after five minutes of intense mental searching, he concluded that he had done nothing wrong and so his boss must be asking to talk to him about something benign.
Or perhaps you made a mistake, said The Voice.
"Or perhaps I made a...oh, shut up," Lloyd whispered. He looked around to make sure his office door was closed. It wasn't, so he got up and closed it, and then returned to his desk. Now he could converse softly with The Voice without anyone taking notice. Lloyd frequently took such precautions whenever The Voice initiated a conversation with him.
You get careless sometimes. Sometimes, you're just plain lazy. You probably screwed something up during one of your lazier moods.
"Speak for yourself," answered Lloyd. "What do you do all day but talk...crazy talk. All damn day."
He thought for a moment, looking at the framed photograph of his wife and dog that sat on his desk.
"Sure, I could've screwed something up. But if I did, it was an honest mistake and so I have nothing to be afraid of. Everybody makes mistakes. And Mark is a fairly easygoing guy. Not that he overlooks or excuses carelessness, but he is a fair man. Whatever it is, it can't be all that serious."
Don't be so sure about that, said The Voice.
Just a few minutes later, Lloyd was seated across from his boss' desk. Mark had waved him in while typing at his computer, and he continued typing for a good three or four minutes after Lloyd sat down.
That's so annoying, said The Voice.
Mark suddenly stopped typing and whirled around in his chair to face him.
"So. Lloyd. Thanks for coming on such short notice."
"Sure," answered Lloyd.
"I just wanted to talk to you about the little gathering we had in the break room yesterday for Liz's birthday."
"Okay."
"Um...do you remember what you said?"
"Uh..."
"Oh, come on, Lloyd. That crack you made about her age."
"I'm sorry...what?"
Yeah, that was pretty crass, said The Voice. Really insensitive.
"You said, of course I'm paraphrasing, but you said, after she answered how old she was, that her life was more than half over so she'd better make the best of the rest of it, because the odds are, at this point in her life, that almost anything can happen to her now since she's been very lucky so far. Or something to that effect."
"Well, I don't recall that that's exactly what I said--"
It's pretty close. So rude.
"You may have noticed the long, awkward silence that followed your remark, and the pained look on Liz's face...?"
"I...didn't notice any...uh, no."
"Right. Well, the whole damn office has been talking about it all day today, how...utterly shocking your remark was, and how upset Liz was. They say she was practically sobbing at her desk for just about all of yesterday afternoon. And as you may know, Mr. Clark practically thinks of her as a daughter. He was best friends with her father, who just passed away last summer."
"Yes, I know," said Lloyd. "Look, Liz hasn't said anything to me about--"
Mark stopped him with a wave of his hand. "Well, I can tell you, Mr. Clark wasn't too happy when he heard about what you said. He called and gave me an earful this morning. So, after having some discussion with him and with HR, we all decided that you need to attend some sensitivity training."
Absolutely. I'd say it's for the best, chimed The Voice.
"I'm sorry...what?"
"You heard me, Lloyd. I've already got you signed up for the classes next week. It's just two four-hour sessions, one on Tuesday and--"
"Eight hours? Sensitivity training' takes eight whole hours? I mean, what the hell?"
"That's not exactly the kind of reaction I was expecting, Lloyd. Surely now, upon some reflection, you realize that your remarks were very upsetting. Liz only just turned fifty, for crying out loud. How old do you think I am? I'm fifty-four."
"Well, you're more than half way through your life, too," said Lloyd.
Oh boy.
Something flashed in his boss' eyes.
Looks almost like...desperation, doesn't it, Lloyd?
"I mean, think about it," said Lloyd. "You're a few years past the half-century mark, though you appear to be in relatively good health for a man your age."
"I have...no major complaints," said Mark. "I feel--I feel--p-p-pretty good."
You smell blood, don't you?
"Even so, what are the odds for you from here on out? Sure, people overall are living longer and better quality lives than our forebears, but the additional years only means increased odds of something happening. Something...bad and life-threatening."
Your ability to empty half the glass simply amazes me.
"And it could be anything...a sudden autoimmune disorder, for example. Or, diabetes. High blood pressure, leading to a stroke. I mean, your job is fairly stressful, right? In middle age, that makes you a prime candidate. And of course, there's always the 'Big One,' the 'Big C.' And there are some cancers that are way worse than others, like the ones that don't manifest any symptoms at all until it's way too late, not until it's metastasized and spread to all the major organs."
Lloyd leaned back in the chair, a deep sigh slipping from his mouth. "Yeah. Sure would suck if something like that happened."
There was perfect silence. Lloyd noticed that Mark's lower lip was quivering.
"Ah, forget about sudden illness striking you. I mean," and here Lloyd paused for two or three seconds just to make sure his next point would really hit home, "there's always the possibility of some kind of accident."
Oh for God's sake, give it a rest. Can't you see the man is nearly a basket case already?
"Have you ever been in any kind of automobile accident, or has someone ever nearly run you over with a car, or have you ever been on a flight where it looked like things were getting really scary because of some nasty weather, anything like that?"
"Never had anything worse than a minor fender-bender," muttered Mark.
"Really? Wow. You've been on this Earth for more than half a century and you've never been in an especially bad accident?" Lloyd chuckled. "That's some damn good luck. You just might be about due, then."
Your cruelty is truly a thing to behold. Don't you know when to stop?
"A drunk driver might suddenly swerve across the road and sideswipe you on your way home one night, and send your car sliding across a few lanes to crash into some other car."
Jesus H....
"I heard we're supposed to get some rain early this evening, just about the time we're all headed home. Who knows? With all the hydroplaning and all, you might be the one who ends up swerving across the road, sideswiping someone else, or you might end up spinning into another lane and into the path of an oncoming semi-truck or something."
There was another long, still silence as Lloyd pondered whether he he was finished or not.
"Yeah, it's a real cosmic shooting gallery out there. Who knows what can happen?"
Lloyd just sat quietly for nearly an entire minute. Mark was quiet, too.
"So. I'm scheduled for that sensitivity training next week?"
"Yes," Mark answered almost in a whisper as he stared down at his desk.
"Which days? Tuesday, and...?"
"Tuesday and...Th-Th-Thursday."
"What time?"
"One to five."
Lloyd let out a long, deep sigh.
"Okay. I'll be there."
Lloyd got up and walked back to his office.
It's been a long time since you've felt this good, hasn't it? asked The Voice.
Lloyd didn't answer. He just whistled along to the tune that he was playing on his computer as he typed. A Buddy Holly song. He always loved the oldies.
It was true, though. He never felt better.